2015-> Bittersweet happiness

趁现在得空就来写一下总结吧。描述的方式仍然是盗用最爱的歌词：

一月：《快乐至上》

天再高　我的快樂至上

只要幸福就好

愛多大聲　有情人才懂分寸

翻山越嶺只是為了尋找　心中最想的人

也許聰明的人少了一點天份

再苦再煩我活的認真　至少我會承認愛需要等一等

哭著笑著　不過就是一種過程

二月：《简简单单》

只是簡簡單單的愛過 我還是我

簡簡單單的傷過 就不算白活

簡簡單單的瘋過 被夢帶走

當故事結束之後 心也喜歡一個人寂寞

三月：《倔强》

逆風的方向　更適合飛翔　我不怕千萬人阻擋　只怕自己投降

我和我最後的倔強　握緊雙手絕對不放
下一站是不是天堂　就算失望不能絕望
我和我驕傲的倔強　我在風中大聲的唱
這一次為自己瘋狂　就這一次　我和我的倔強

原来倔强的成果是甜的。

四月：《Back to December》

It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you.

Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine.

I'd go back to December, turn around and make it all right.

I go back to December all the time.

四月只是一个无所事事又时间太多所以乱想东想西的月份。无所事事到自己都忘了是怎么过的，好像就拼命睡觉泡咖啡厅找旅游资料然后再睡觉而已。

五月：《逃亡》

踩着月光　打开车窗　离开这城市想找个解放

我站在靠近天的顶端　张开手全都释放　

用月光取暖　给自己力量
才发现关于梦的答案　一直在自己手上

To be continued :D 

之前想看回以前的自己都是翻回写过的文章，今天想看回2015的总结才突然发现原来twitter记录的竟然比blogspot还要多😅

而且也突然发现圣诞节剩一个星期了。

突然发现又过了一年了。

突然发现自己又老了。

突然发现自己不太想要变得那么成熟。因为成熟的代价是累。很累很累的累。每次嘴里都嚷着说的不在乎，原来只是用来保护自己的武装。强迫自己接受身边的改变，强迫自己接受眼前的现实，强迫到接受突然就变成了一种理所当然的东西。每天早上都要有一颗空荡荡的心，因为要塞的东西有数以万计，夜深人静的时候在把全部吞下去，确保明天早上还有足够的空间塞更多的事情。

这个叫自虐吗？我不知道。

只知道自己不是活得很开心，但是却很努力的强迫自己要感恩每天都活下来了。如果真心感恩的话，是需要强迫的吗？

不要期盼有人会心疼你，因为有期望就一定会失望。

心似乎承载不了多一点点失望了。

原来你是我最想留住的幸运。

这首歌一出来的时候就已经深深爱上了。曲好听之余，更感人的是歌词。那时候一个好朋友就说了：每个人都有过自己的小幸运吧。

看这部电影的时候，你脑袋里浮现的，是谁的影子？

人长大了，就不会再把自己当戏里的男女主角，把主角往自己身上套。戏看完一走出来，朋友就问我：想起谁了？

其实我没想起任何人。那个时候才真正觉得自己长大了很多，已不再活在回忆里，更不活在男女主角的世界里。而当我反问她看戏想起谁的时候，她说：不告诉你，但肯定不是我老公。哈哈哈。

你嫁的永远都是出现在对的时间的那个人，可能不是你最爱的。

你最爱的永远都是会被埋在心里的那个人，不是出现在生活里的。

《我的少女时代》比《那些年》好看的点是，每个人的生命里都有一个徐太宇，只是当时我们的眼里只看到了自己的欧阳。

也许当时忙着微笑和哭泣，忙着追逐天空中的流星，而理所当然的忘记，是谁风里雨里一直默默守护在原地。

而当自己看得到的时候，伤痕累累的那个人已经决定离开了。

歌词的最后一句是最让人心碎的一句：遇见你的注定，她会有多幸运。

对你好不是必然的。
珍惜那个在你很忙的时候提醒你吃饭的人。
珍惜那个在你需要的时候愿意倾听的人。
珍惜那个担心你太累主动载你回家的人。
珍惜那个不顺路也要来找你的人。
珍惜那个你不出声也陪在你身旁的人。

即使最后不是和他走到最后，但是要庆幸自己有过这么一段故事。


你最近好吗？
遇见了你的她吗？

Is there real friendship between men and women?

This is probably one of the largest topic or conflict that one can ever think about. I used to be very firm in answering yes to this question, but it all changed after an incident that happened to me a few years back (with one of my closest friends who happens to be a man). Henceforth I don't believe in true friendship between the opposite sex.

I think that there must be one side that feels more than the other, yet they remain friend because he/she doesn't want to make a move. It destroys the friendship if one side tries to change it, and the dangerous part is, there is no turning back.

Lately I questioned myself this again, because I think the way I perceive things start to change. There might, or there is, just that I haven't noticed.

Being with them are just comfortable and happy until everyone doubts our status. But me being a Gemini who's so sensitive to all the extraordinary 'feeling', I'm proud to say that we are close friends. And definitely nothing more than that. Laughing our lungs out in the public, hiding the deepest side of us only when we are facing each other. Isn't that what close friends do? And it is just too comfortable being a friend. Too much. Too much that I feel things start to fade or it isn't like how it was. And I start to complain like a furious puppy trying to get lunch.

There used to be times where we literally chat nonstop and couldn't let go of the phone because it was too fun. Times where we lay on the same bed talking till 3am about so so so many things (I didn't know that men can also talk so much). Times where we talk nonstop on a 6hours journey and already planning for the next one.

I believe it's the memory that's haunting me. Because reality teaches me that happiness doesn't last. The faster it began, the faster it would end. And I believe reality is trying to separate us, literally dragging us away to different corners.

Dealing friendships with men ain't the same way to deal with women. And I'm still learning the right way. Meanwhile, I shall keep them in my heart and thank god that at least we met.

Thank god because it happened. I tried to hold it hard, but it just didn't seem to work. From my side I have done my best, so God, please do your best too.

Please give them a smooth journey ahead. Please let them be happy in whatever they do. Love you, bffs :)

Discouragement.

You know what, discouragement sucks.

Its now a week prior to the start of my new job, and hopefully a permanent one, I still consistently get negative feedback/discouragement/demotivating quotes from everyone&everywhere.

Seriously, is it so hard to encourage someone?

I am able to understand their frustration and disappointment after finding out that this path is not at all like what they have expected, but if it isn't, do something and make a change! I have read posts saying how you work like a cow and get scolded like a dog, how being a doctor is entirely different from what you might have imagined and etc. And to be honest, I imagined nothing from the beginning.

5 years ago people used to tell me how difficult this path is, how impossible and depressing that it will be, and you will come out feeling stupid for making the dumbest choice that you can ever make in your life. It is not worthy, it is not hopeful. At all.

And there it goes, I have gone through all those and I still want to tell people that yes, it is worth all your sweat and tears. Those sleepless nights, those frustrating patients, those unfinished textbooks, those awful words that are spit on your face, those moments to see life slipping away from your hand. I have been through all these and still I want to say yes, it is worthy. That's medicine. If someone wants to do medicine and he/she is asking me for an opinion, I would still say yes, go for it. Because it changes you. It changes your life.

I am now still floating among discouragement and demotivation. And it sucks to feel like that. It sucks to say yes I know it's demotivating yes I agree with you. But it is more heartbreaking when people think you don't get it, when they think hey dont think so much, you are not gonna make it.

But hey, among those who ranted, who did not complete in the end? No one. Everyone survived through, it is just a matter of perspective, a matter of choice. From which angle you want to look at things from.

Because I can never forget how my patient's heart beats again after it stopped.

Because I can never forget how people say thank you to me.

Because I can never forget how it feels when 1 person out of 10 appreciates your effort.



I chose to remember that one person, and you chose to remember the remaining nine. That's why we are different. 

如果，那就。

如果不是最后一天放弃昂坪的行程，我就不会再次走去铜锣湾。

如果不是在铜锣湾找咖啡店，我就不会误打误撞进了诚品。

如果不是某个人把一本小说随手放在一堆财经书籍之间，我就不会打开来看。

如果我没有打开来看，我就不会看到那篇故事。

那篇原来彩虹兔也是别人的故事的故事。

小说名字叫分手寄卖店，顾名思义是间别人把自己分手后的物品送过去寄卖。门铃响后进来的那个男生带了彩虹兔来寄卖，兔子是之前女生说要的，但是之后送不了给她只好拿来寄卖。原因呢？他们才七岁，全世界不觉得他们知道什么是爱，什么是喜欢。爱似乎变成了大人世界的东西，小孩不能拥有。之前女生想和男生一起去赤柱看海，因为大人都说赤柱很浪漫，他们想知道浪漫是什么。但是之后女生生病了，他们两个不能见面，彩虹兔最后也交不到女生的手中。

后来老板带着彩虹兔到赤柱拍了很多照片，把这些照片都寄到女生的手中。不管最后他们有没有在一起，他们知不知道什么是爱，至少女生知道有一个人曾经因为她说的一句话而努力实现她的愿望，至少男生知道有一个人曾经可以让自己那么努力去让她开心。

故事让我很感动的事有两样：我很喜欢彩虹兔，我也很爱赤柱这个地方。所以看到他拍的那些照片时整个头皮发麻。自己也很幸运地有一只彩虹兔，就是因为知道自己很幸福，所以才拼命地去珍惜。

是要多在乎一个人，才会记得那些他/她说过的话？

When you open your eyes and feel thankful.

好久都没写些开心的事了，似乎自己的世界总是灰暗的但是其实不是，我只是习惯把快乐藏起来，尽量让自己归于平淡-因为这样子的话就算有一天闪电打雷，也劈中不了我的心。

平淡得觉得自己老了。当大家都在很忙碌很紧张地想着隔天的hospital placement 时，我却很轻松地躺在床上和朋友一起唱歌大笑。当大家的眼睛猛盯着电脑拼命刷新时，我却很从容地一只手拿着电话一只手在吃早餐。是我不在乎吗?我不知道。只知道就算最后结果不如我所想的，我还是会觉得是上天帮我开的另一扇门，我要感激祂。

老了，得失心没那么重了。
老了，开始珍惜很多的小事。
老了，不想再让伤心影响自己太久。

其实开始不了解身边的人了，为什么要为一件小事伤心那么久，为什么得不到自己要的医院还会放声大哭？是自己把自己磨练得太坚强了，还是其实是身边一直以来都没人让我不坚强？



其实，开心就是每天细数一下上天送来了多少个天使在你身边。

It hurts to watch you fall.

Remember how all of us used to play snake and ladder when we were kids? I want to tell you that even if you ended up in the wrong box and fell back to box number one, I will still stand right there waiting for you. 

Sometimes I have forgotten how many times I told you about the running game. We are all in a running competition consisting of different challenges, and perhaps yours is one with the roads under construction and you just have to run a few extra laps to reach the ending point. And I'm still gonna wait at the finishing line no matter how long you are gonna take. 

This thing didn't change a little after this incident too. Sometimes I treasure this friendship so much that I began to not know how to let go. This morning you said it's ironic how you always dress yourself in your best suit in front of me, and I really wanted to tell you how much this hurts to me, because from day one our love and care to each other has never been equal. 

People always say not to give it all when you meet someone, because giving all of you makes you unworthy, makes you selfless, makes you under his shoes. Being unworthy is already an understatement from the beginning. Because I think I still need you more than you do. 

You know what, I will keep moving forward. But sometimes I will turn my head and see if you are catching up. And one day when we meet at a crossing point, I hope we both know that it means so much. 

解剖。爱情。

刚认识的时候，她已经在他好前面好前面了。

但是他够细心，够疼她，宠她，她选择了他。即使知道彼此是有距离的，还是选择继续走下去。

一路上跌跌撞撞，互相成长。即使身边可能有更适合的人，依然对彼此不离不去。

身边的人的反对，现实社会的眼光，都不明白为什么她不找个和自己般配的人，却选择了一个普普通通的他。永远都要走在他的前面，甚至有时候拉着他走，逼他走得快一点，难道她不曾累吗？

难道她不想放弃吗。

努力地让彼此的距离变小，努力地放慢自己的脚步让他追上来，努力地说服自己站在原地等他。

一个女人最不应该做的就是为一个男人停留在原地。把自己的梦想放小，把自己的男人放大。但是感性的女人，始终会选择站在那里，回头看，等他一天终于追上来。

她不知道自己应该做些什么，只是无助地希望他能追上来。

有时候爱情不能战胜的，是这种距离，这种好远好远的距离。

那天不知道在聊什么的时候开玩笑说你要杀我的话我一定跑掉，你说不会，叫我不要跑掉好吗？我傻笑地说好吧我不跑我用走的。

你说那你记得走慢一点，那么我就不用追得那么辛苦。

当下听了不知道干嘛心好酸，从来都没有人跟我说过这句话。

原来你从一开始就看到了我们的距离。

India- Changes

Haven't updated my blog in a while. Was actually at the verge of disposing it but mm seh-dak ah! Afterall it is still a part of me. 

Came back for good for exactly 2 months today. Shaken legs enough for a month, done with the application, went for a trip, now it's time to think of what to do for the coming few months (hopefully till august).

Breaking out of my comfort zone has always been something that I wanted to force myself to do. Even though I have lived independently in a foreign nation for the past 5 years, there's still a lot of things that I need to cope to start a new life here again. 

That's one of the reasons why I started working part time (money is definitely not one of the reasons). More than that I would really like to go meet new people and learn something that's totally different from my field.

And throughout this week I have noticed a few things that's different about me, that the past five years have imprinted in me. 

I feel awkward meeting new people. And that makes me realise that all these while I kept myself in my own bubble, hanging around with only people that I know so well, and I haven't really met someone new for a really longggggg time. Thank you India. 

I (maybe the whole hospital and college) don't know how to be professional. Such ironic it is. We are all in a very professional field yet nobody knows how to keep professionalism in the hospital. We gossip in the hospital, flirt over the phone after discussing a case, ask our colleagues out for a date, do whatsoever is shown in Greys Anatomy. But in the office nobody talks about other things. The only time where we get to know each other is during lunch or most probably activities after office hour.

I became extremely mature. Keep emphasis on things that I want myself to do and constrain myself from doing something that does not benefit anyone. It's a good thing actually, but over maturity makes a person uninteresting. Your speech and acts get bounded by your maturity (and that can become very boring haha) 

Anyhow I am glad that India changed me, because I love how compliments come to me so naturally when I portray certain strong traits. Matt told me that they are all marveled by the way I bring myself and the maturity I portray *flips hair* [didnt mama teach you to not listen to sweet talks by guys so easily?] 

Gonna miss this bunch of people when I leave. The stupid cold and dirty jokes, the unexpected little sweet surprises, the gentleness in their acts, the professionalism at work and etc etc. 

Glad I chose to spend my holiday like this :) 

最后自己变成了自己最想要的男人。

有时候会不知道干嘛的爱上自己写过的文字，爱上自己转发过的微博。其实人有时候就是很奇怪，每天幻想着自己想过的生活，但是过着的同时又似乎忘了自己曾经憧憬的是什么。

以前幻想着自己要在假期中周游列国，至少每个月要去一个地方。但是后来回来后却不知为何懒惰再次出走，懒惰再读资料准备下次的旅程。是自己懒惰了？还是纯粹是因为没人和自己作战而孤独了？突然发现自己是个不可以做to-do list 的人，因为从来不会因为东西在list上面而去做，然后又发现自己是个很爱找借口说服自己的人（完全就是双子座的双重人格）。

姐姐给我的生日祝福说：想做就去做，不要想那么多。

昨天在观音亭求签时，解签的说什么都会平步青云，只要你不要三心两意。

三心两意，向来都是我的标准人格。

最近好像看到自己好多好多的缺点，强迫自己去改但是还是改不了。看来是要跟着我一辈子的了😂😂😂

似乎习惯了归于平淡，不想在活在记忆里了。

盛夏光年。

Post-情人节快乐。一直以来都很喜欢这首歌，但是从来都没有觉得自己像歌词里那般活着。今天重新把歌词再看一遍，发现原来自己一直在过歌词里的生活。

放弃规则

放纵去爱

放肆自己

放空未来

可能这四句话就是我这一年来的写照吧。去年的今天，我记得对自己说过：今年终于不用考试，不用过着那么大压力的生活了。所以要尽情享受，尽情学习。回顾一整年的生活，好想对自己说：你终于过了你想过的生活。

放弃规则做过违背良心守则的事情，放纵去爱过不该爱的人，放肆自己跟朋友酗酒到凌晨，放空未来不让自己策划将来。

长大难道是人必经的溃烂。


致 我那无法回转的青春。

黑色星期六

昨天过了一个很难熬的一天，晚上睡觉也一直无端端醒来。

整件事重复太多次给大家听了，说到我自己也不想重复了。早上跟朋友坦诚说我不知道自己能不能走得出来，他告诉我他做过更加糟糕的事情，比较起来希望我不要觉得那么难过。

一个原本很欢乐的星期六变成那么的沉重，那么的无奈。

一天下来感受了很多，感受到生命，人生，无奈，空虚，无助。

生命是发现他瞳孔放大没反应的时候。

人生是家属冲过来辱骂我们的时候。

无奈是看着他老婆哭得站不起来的时候。

空虚是一个人坐在ICU等院方和家属理论的时候。

无助是想打电话找人来救我出去却想起你的时候。

“我已经无能为力 无法抗拒 无路可退，这陌生的夜现在的我 需要人陪。”  

手里拿着电话，却不知道能够打给谁。

永远都不想再承受那种寂寞了。

(谢谢不顾一切冲过来在我身边的朋友，每次都觉得不想依赖你，但是出事的时候总是知道你会来救我。谢谢昨天差点就要打给你的朋友，今天告诉你的时候你只说了一句Why you didn't call me?）　

其实因为我不想依赖你。