I cannot really think of a title.

Yesterday during dinner YP and I talked about keeping blog, and how writing helps him to dump emotional rubbish. It has been 5 years since I last blogged. I told him that my writing has significantly deteriorated and I cannot seem to express myself through language anymore. I have always thought it is because of "numbness", but he provided another perspective which is quite true as well - not polishing makes you lose your writing skill. Hence it is not so much of not having emotion, it is just that I cannot express myself well through my limited writing skill lol.

I read so many posts of Sophie grieving. Sometimes I don't know how people deal with grief so openly, it has been years, and I still do not have the courage to write a single word. Before writing I have already anticipated that it will be a disastrous night and emotional breakdown, hence it has always been challenging trying to open up the wound. 

Probably I am scared of being judged. Being labelled as weak. Being commented as "so kesian". Hence it is better not to speak a word, and just hide all the emotions deep down.

For a person who is so expressive like me, N, I did not expect that I can keep this story for more than a year. But I did, because I don't know how to start telling, I don't know who among our mutual friends will judge you, I don't know if it will affect the life that you have chosen to go along with. 

There are so so so many things I want to tell you. I want to tell you that I did my first year exam, I got my first study grant, I survived through the first many months in a completely new place, I am very close to sub 30 for 5km, I understood all the foul words at Kumar's show thanks to you.

I began to really salute your idol Messi after his performance the last few weeks. 

Shericka Jackson and Noah Lyles are still outperforming themselves. 

Naan and tandoori chicken in KL area still sucks and nothing beats Jamal Salim. 

On days where I doubt myself, I hear your voice telling me that I am so good at what I do. I feel the confidence that you had in me. That same sentence "Good job la I knew you will do it". And it gave me so so so much of comfort, but also so so so much of tears. 

I still cry when I drive thinking about you, thinking about the song lyrics, thinking about all the good times. The other day when department announced the grant and I saw my name there, I was sitting in the ward, immediately thought of telling you, and suddenly I realised that you were no longer there. It hurt so much. I did not have a "replacement person" to share this excitement with, and I guess I will never have. 

When you left I kept asking myself how am I going to go through this life without you carrying a major part of my weights. I was so scared, in fact I still am. What to do if mom progresses, what to do if I don't do well in the new environment, what to do if life throws me a bomb again. Without you. What do I do without you? Will I be alright? I asked myself but failed to get an answer. 

Many many years ago there is a HK movie about this couple - because of him, she started smoking. But after he left, she never quit that habit. The dynamic between human beings are so special that we start picking up little habits that were never present, just because of someone's influence. That someone might leave, but the habits stayed forever.

I still eat naan and tandoori after evening workout, without you.

I still watch sprinting, without you.

I still accidentally thought of telling you something, only to realise ohya, I can't tell you anymore.

And I still secretly wonder, do you have anything to tell me? Other than the word sorry.

 Finally I saw it with my own eyes. Something that I have always been praying for, something that I have always wanted for you.

看到你这样我就放心了。对你，除了祝福，还是满满的祝福。

放心吧，我很好。

至少我还记得

三十而已，拍得那么的好啊 。每一个故事情节，简单，却真实。

我花了很长的一段时间去接受自己三十岁的模样。对，和想象的有点不太一样。

二十岁的时候好像也没想过三十会来得那么快，那时候就跟身边的同学一样，努力读书，努力旅行，考试毕业似乎是最重要的事情。以为幸福都是必然的。

以为25岁搬回家，每天开心地开车去上班，享受忙碌的道路。

26岁会遇到对的人，28岁结婚，30岁家庭事业美满。

真的，太多的以为了。

当你踏入三十岁却一点都不像自己曾经想像的模样的时候，你开始质疑，是不是自己把一切想得太美好了？

顾佳三十岁生日，应该是每个女生的梦想吧。的确，真的是跟我想象的一样。

钟晓芹三十岁生日，决定离婚。因为发现跟眼前这个人走不下去了。

 我花了29岁的后半年适应自己明年三十这份压力，也花了三十岁前半年让自己看开点。这十年来，最对不起的是自己，因为一直有意无意让自己受伤。

我不知道未来会不会变好，只知道唯一能做的是努力。

努力的活着，努力的相信。

二十岁，我不甘平淡。三十岁，我只想简单。

二十岁，我了解生活。三十岁，我品尝生活。

二十岁，我会奋不顾身。三十岁，我只会保护好自己。

只想跟自己说声对不起，太委屈你了。三十岁，你会越过越好的。

因为爱情的模样，是细水长流，不是轰轰烈烈。

以为自己再也写不出，看到一篇文章后突然想记载。
分开后的前三天，其实我就很冷静地写下所有的分析在日记里面。那时候以为自己很潇洒，一个有很多借口要离开的人，你会牵挂吗？

到最后，曾经的我爱你，只剩下对不起。
对不起什么？
对不起我不爱了。

《春娇与志明》里的余春娇，为了接近一个男人学着抽烟，后来他爱上别人而且还为了那个别人戒了烟，而她，却再也戒不掉了。像极了生活中的我们。

在一起分开了，和从未在一起，哪一个比较遗憾？
他们说，至少你有勇气去爱，去争取自己要的东西。结果呢，到头来好像还是跌得整身是伤，抱着自己哭，哭着说以后不敢了。
最美好是第一次的你好，最难过的，还是你用了对不起来报答我的我爱你。

郑秀文这件事情让我看到，很多事情不是努力就会有结果，至少爱情是这样。好听叫做真心付出，难听的话，其实就是一厢情愿。被爱是奢侈的幸福，你明白了吗？

身边有很多很努力生活的女生，几乎每一个的背后都曾经有一段难熬的时光，一些不告诉别人的伤疤。每次我走不下去的时候，我问她，你怎么熬过来的？
她笑着说，没办法，还是要走下去。
声音里我听到的是无奈，是就算没人心疼也要加油的无助。

你问我还相信吗？我相信，只是不是每个人都那么幸运。所以我要更加努力，至少下辈子的那个我会很幸运遇到。

至少下辈子的那个我，可以不用那么努力了。

Towards the sunshine

Died becoming Ed Sheeran's fan. Poisoned by every single word he sings from the bottom of his heart.

Had a gloomy weekend (as gloomy as the KK weather) with depressive symptoms, but deep down I know I cant continue being like this anymore.

I want my sunshine back.

I want to be how I used to be.

Enough. I want to become better, so that one day you know how silly it is to have hurt me.

So that one day you know how silly it is not to fight for a person like me.

回归。简单。

长大其实真的不是什么好事。参与着复杂的社会, 遇见有心机的人, 逼着自己解决越来越复杂的事。

每个人都在说- I need a break. I want to travel. 然后买机票, 努力上网找攻略, 打卡机场, 在同个景点拍20张照片, 上传脸书, 看得到多少个like, 多少人在下面羡慕的说:" 你就好了"。
然后还有然后吗? 有。回到同个工作岗位, 面对着同样的人事物。

我是这样吗?是, 肯定是。突然有一天, 却发现自己不想再做这种事了。只想定一个日期和地点出发, 然后出走, 走向未知和未来。

原来世界上除了有情歌的浪漫, 还有海浪打着沙滩的感动。

原来世界上除了有金钱的诱惑, 还有大自然的纯真。

原来世界上除了有人们的赞美, 还有微风看不到的拥抱。

原来世界上除了有网上被按赞的虚荣, 还有被浪花突然溅到的快乐。

突然察觉人生最难得的是简单, 突然觉得我最需要的, 是知足。

愿海浪带走你所有的悲伤, 愿天空带给你所有的希望。

从零开始，从一个人开始

有时候不知不觉会查看电话深怕迟回了你的短信，突然才发现电话不会再有你的简讯
有时候一个人吃饭会不小心点了你喜欢吃的，才发现以前自己都不吃这个
有时候开车电台播了一首曾经有回忆的歌，结果发现视线突然模糊了
有时候睡醒的时候，不知道为什么枕头还是会湿了一块

就算把电话号码洗了，自己还会背得出来
就算把东西丢完，还是不舍得把钥匙圈拆下来
就算今天发生了最荒谬的事，还是会遗憾没办法和你分享

幸福，和快乐
难道不是我该有的权力？

時間的電影 結局才知道 原來大人已沒有童謠 最後的叮嚀 最後的擁抱 我們紅著眼笑 我們都要把自己照顧好 好到遺憾無法打擾 好好的生活 好好的變老 好好假裝我 已經把你忘掉

请你一定要过得比我幸福。

To Amin.

You survived more than 3 rounds of CPR. Everytime few seconds we want to give up you come back with signs of life.

1st one was at birth. Cord round neck x 3- tight. No fetal heart detected on table. You came out with thick meconium covering your whole body. Good body weight, term, but no sign of life. CPR commenced for 20min with all last resorts, when we were going to give up, suddenly monitor showed some heart beats. You came back. Faint heart beats, but you came back. Your daddy and mommy were told about your condition, first and only child, but with the severe perinatal hypoxia, you might not be able to make it at anytime. 

2nd one was a few days after you were born. Desaturated again. But somehow you came back again after CPR. Family conference done, your family agreed for DNR (do not resuscitate) if you continue to deteriorate. Somehow I feel people who choose to resuscitate when their loved ones are at the end of their lives are very selfish. Ask yourself: you want them to be better? Or you just want them to stay with you for a little bit longer? With HIE stage 3 (severe hypoxia causing multi organ dysfunction), your parents know you are not going to grow like any other kids. You won't look at them, smile at them, start sitting, standing then running like others. You won't even know how to roll over when you are 5months old. But they love you. For 74 days that you stayed in the ward, I can see nothing but their love for you. 

Your mommy comes every morning to sit next to your cot, sometimes we allow her to hold you in her arms. Your daddy comes every evening to read Yassin to you. Next to your little head there's always a small al Quran which your dad loves reading to you. He would bend his body for 15min to whisper the holy phrases to your ears. He would laugh so happily when you move your hands a little or twitch your facial muscles abit when they talk to you. 

Sometimes I wonder how do they feel seeing the parents of their neighboring cots. When the babies next to them can cry, can smile, and you can't even latch to your mom's breast. When they see me they always smile at me, greet, and we always joke aground. But it always hurts me when I think about how much they cried when they agreed for DNR. How many times would they have cried at home after you were born. 

So I always tell myself that the least thing to do for you is to care for you as much as I can. Looking at your cute handsome face I just can't accept that you are not growing up, and God is going to take you away anytime. When I was in NICU I always go to hug you whenever I'm free, because I always think you need more love than other babies. When I take blood or set line for you I always force myself to get it in only one prick, because you have suffered a lot and I don't want to cause you anymore pain. When you were fit to go home, I felt no less happier than your family. 

You followed me from NICU to 4A for 2 rotations and you came back again now. Finally grew up a little bit more, you are admitted to paediatrics ward! You weighed a little bit more now at 3 months old, didn't grow taller at all, but your limbs are stiffer than before. Your handsome little face is covered by Bipap, you struggle to breathe, I know how much you want to cough but you can't. 

That day during morning rounds we asked if your parents want to agree for DNR, and your mom weeped again. But I had so much confidence in you. You are going to grow up, with multiple hospital admissions but you are going to grow up. After so many things that happen I think

 your parents still have hope that you will be like any other kids. Even though no but we choose not to take away their hope.

Do you know you have a great daddy? He prepares milk for you, do suction at home, serve your medications, talk and laugh with you everyday you are here. 

Your mummy, needless to say, know every single thing about you better than any staff nurse or doctor. You always get angry when someone wants to poke you, but every time when I talk to you and tell you that I want to take a little bit blood, surprisingly you don't struggle at all. When you get irritated for no reason your mom and I always blame it to your dad, and we would say Amin tengah marah eh? Mesti sebab daddy kacau Amin. And your dad will continue talking to you kissing your forehead.

That day when I walked in to check on your lungs it was 7.30pm, your parents were about to break fast. On the right hand he was eating, on the left hand he was holding your arm. It hurts me so much to see this, that you are not going to sit and break fast with them forever. 

Yesterday we upgraded your setting to Cpap. That's the maximum we can do, because if you deteriorate anymore we can only stand there and look at the spO2 drop. 

Amin means trustworthy and faithful in Arabic. Underneath that name all I can see is the love and hope of your parents for you. Such a strong kid you are baby. No matter how far you can go, I will always keep you in my prayer and remember you for who you are. 

Some days when you are tired of living like this Amin, let go. Let go and come back again as a healthy baby born to the same family. You deserve to grow up and learn about this world, you deserve much much more than this. 

To dear Amin, my warrior. 

眼泪是留给父母看的。

眼泪是留给父母看的-这句话是三年级的时候班主任告诉我们的,而我一记就记了16年了。

但是我承认自己很没用,很不争气,这个月哭三次了。眼泪是留给父母看的,是在你成功的时候流下用汗水换来的泪水,是可以让他们欣慰的泪水。16年来,每次哭我都提醒自己同一句话。自己还没成功,父母还没欣慰,所以你不许哭。

这几次想哭的时候这句话都完全没出现在脑海里, 几乎每一次都是接近崩溃地哭, 不在乎那时候身边有谁有什么。是压力大了吧,还是自己神经病了?

上个月送了本书给好朋友, 前面我写了:
Dear friend, 即使世界不断让你失望, 也要继续相信爱。

原来相信爱是那么困难的一件事, 原来有时候现实可以很残忍的把你一直坚信的东西毁掉, 原来世界上没有一件事一个人会为你多想一步, 原来你是那么的可有可无。

2016/02/27, 决定了不相信爱。