Yesterday during dinner YP and I talked about keeping blog, and how writing helps him to dump emotional rubbish. It has been 5 years since I last blogged. I told him that my writing has significantly deteriorated and I cannot seem to express myself through language anymore. I have always thought it is because of "numbness", but he provided another perspective which is quite true as well - not polishing makes you lose your writing skill. Hence it is not so much of not having emotion, it is just that I cannot express myself well through my limited writing skill lol.
I read so many posts of Sophie grieving. Sometimes I don't know how people deal with grief so openly, it has been years, and I still do not have the courage to write a single word. Before writing I have already anticipated that it will be a disastrous night and emotional breakdown, hence it has always been challenging trying to open up the wound.
Probably I am scared of being judged. Being labelled as weak. Being commented as "so kesian". Hence it is better not to speak a word, and just hide all the emotions deep down.
For a person who is so expressive like me, N, I did not expect that I can keep this story for more than a year. But I did, because I don't know how to start telling, I don't know who among our mutual friends will judge you, I don't know if it will affect the life that you have chosen to go along with.
There are so so so many things I want to tell you. I want to tell you that I did my first year exam, I got my first study grant, I survived through the first many months in a completely new place, I am very close to sub 30 for 5km, I understood all the foul words at Kumar's show thanks to you.
I began to really salute your idol Messi after his performance the last few weeks.
Shericka Jackson and Noah Lyles are still outperforming themselves.
Naan and tandoori chicken in KL area still sucks and nothing beats Jamal Salim.
On days where I doubt myself, I hear your voice telling me that I am so good at what I do. I feel the confidence that you had in me. That same sentence "Good job la I knew you will do it". And it gave me so so so much of comfort, but also so so so much of tears.
I still cry when I drive thinking about you, thinking about the song lyrics, thinking about all the good times. The other day when department announced the grant and I saw my name there, I was sitting in the ward, immediately thought of telling you, and suddenly I realised that you were no longer there. It hurt so much. I did not have a "replacement person" to share this excitement with, and I guess I will never have.
When you left I kept asking myself how am I going to go through this life without you carrying a major part of my weights. I was so scared, in fact I still am. What to do if mom progresses, what to do if I don't do well in the new environment, what to do if life throws me a bomb again. Without you. What do I do without you? Will I be alright? I asked myself but failed to get an answer.
Many many years ago there is a HK movie about this couple - because of him, she started smoking. But after he left, she never quit that habit. The dynamic between human beings are so special that we start picking up little habits that were never present, just because of someone's influence. That someone might leave, but the habits stayed forever.
I still eat naan and tandoori after evening workout, without you.
I still watch sprinting, without you.
I still accidentally thought of telling you something, only to realise ohya, I can't tell you anymore.
And I still secretly wonder, do you have anything to tell me? Other than the word sorry.