两清

 那天驾车回家的时候，突然有个想法飘过，平淡地告诉我：嗯，好像放下了。

淡淡的，没有想哭，也没什么释怀的感觉。应该是上了整个星期的班，经历了很多以前会告诉你的东西。换做以前，应该会直接问你意见吧。似乎自己又很棒地走了一小段没你的路，脑袋自动地说：我好像放下了。

结果今天听到了一首歌，看到了一段文字，整个人哭到不行。

好像三十年来从来没有在听一首歌的头一遍直接崩溃。

是你教我勇敢 让我绚烂

却把我丢在原地不堪。

那段黑暗的日子里没有你的话我应该也过不了。

是你教我勇敢    教我比以前更独立    教我相信自己    教我保护自己

坚信了你那么多年

却换来最后一刻窒息式的崩溃

不堪的是那天崩溃着问你怎么舍得欺骗我，怎么能够不理我的底线，然后再自己花时间替你找答案。

还是搞不懂为什么很爱和伤害可以共存，就好像放下和崩溃可以在同一天发生。

你我怎么两清    怎么忍心

怎么做回甲乙丙丁

曾经那么的熟悉，我传给你的最后一句讯息却是

Our world will never cross anymore. 

若我落下泪滴    能否换来你的真心。

I cannot really think of a title.

Yesterday during dinner YP and I talked about keeping blog, and how writing helps him to dump emotional rubbish. It has been 5 years since I last blogged. I told him that my writing has significantly deteriorated and I cannot seem to express myself through language anymore. I have always thought it is because of "numbness", but he provided another perspective which is quite true as well - not polishing makes you lose your writing skill. Hence it is not so much of not having emotion, it is just that I cannot express myself well through my limited writing skill lol.

I read so many posts of Sophie grieving. Sometimes I don't know how people deal with grief so openly, it has been years, and I still do not have the courage to write a single word. Before writing I have already anticipated that it will be a disastrous night and emotional breakdown, hence it has always been challenging trying to open up the wound. 

Probably I am scared of being judged. Being labelled as weak. Being commented as "so kesian". Hence it is better not to speak a word, and just hide all the emotions deep down.

For a person who is so expressive like me, N, I did not expect that I can keep this story for more than a year. But I did, because I don't know how to start telling, I don't know who among our mutual friends will judge you, I don't know if it will affect the life that you have chosen to go along with. 

There are so so so many things I want to tell you. I want to tell you that I did my first year exam, I got my first study grant, I survived through the first many months in a completely new place, I am very close to sub 30 for 5km, I understood all the foul words at Kumar's show thanks to you.

I began to really salute your idol Messi after his performance the last few weeks. 

Shericka Jackson and Noah Lyles are still outperforming themselves. 

Naan and tandoori chicken in KL area still sucks and nothing beats Jamal Salim. 

On days where I doubt myself, I hear your voice telling me that I am so good at what I do. I feel the confidence that you had in me. That same sentence "Good job la I knew you will do it". And it gave me so so so much of comfort, but also so so so much of tears. 

I still cry when I drive thinking about you, thinking about the song lyrics, thinking about all the good times. The other day when department announced the grant and I saw my name there, I was sitting in the ward, immediately thought of telling you, and suddenly I realised that you were no longer there. It hurt so much. I did not have a "replacement person" to share this excitement with, and I guess I will never have. 

When you left I kept asking myself how am I going to go through this life without you carrying a major part of my weights. I was so scared, in fact I still am. What to do if mom progresses, what to do if I don't do well in the new environment, what to do if life throws me a bomb again. Without you. What do I do without you? Will I be alright? I asked myself but failed to get an answer. 

Many many years ago there is a HK movie about this couple - because of him, she started smoking. But after he left, she never quit that habit. The dynamic between human beings are so special that we start picking up little habits that were never present, just because of someone's influence. That someone might leave, but the habits stayed forever.

I still eat naan and tandoori after evening workout, without you.

I still watch sprinting, without you.

I still accidentally thought of telling you something, only to realise ohya, I can't tell you anymore.

And I still secretly wonder, do you have anything to tell me? Other than the word sorry.

 Finally I saw it with my own eyes. Something that I have always been praying for, something that I have always wanted for you.

看到你这样我就放心了。对你，除了祝福，还是满满的祝福。

放心吧，我很好。

至少我还记得

三十而已，拍得那么的好啊 。每一个故事情节，简单，却真实。

我花了很长的一段时间去接受自己三十岁的模样。对，和想象的有点不太一样。

二十岁的时候好像也没想过三十会来得那么快，那时候就跟身边的同学一样，努力读书，努力旅行，考试毕业似乎是最重要的事情。以为幸福都是必然的。

以为25岁搬回家，每天开心地开车去上班，享受忙碌的道路。

26岁会遇到对的人，28岁结婚，30岁家庭事业美满。

真的，太多的以为了。

当你踏入三十岁却一点都不像自己曾经想像的模样的时候，你开始质疑，是不是自己把一切想得太美好了？

顾佳三十岁生日，应该是每个女生的梦想吧。的确，真的是跟我想象的一样。

钟晓芹三十岁生日，决定离婚。因为发现跟眼前这个人走不下去了。

 我花了29岁的后半年适应自己明年三十这份压力，也花了三十岁前半年让自己看开点。这十年来，最对不起的是自己，因为一直有意无意让自己受伤。

我不知道未来会不会变好，只知道唯一能做的是努力。

努力的活着，努力的相信。

二十岁，我不甘平淡。三十岁，我只想简单。

二十岁，我了解生活。三十岁，我品尝生活。

二十岁，我会奋不顾身。三十岁，我只会保护好自己。

只想跟自己说声对不起，太委屈你了。三十岁，你会越过越好的。

因为爱情的模样，是细水长流，不是轰轰烈烈。

以为自己再也写不出，看到一篇文章后突然想记载。
分开后的前三天，其实我就很冷静地写下所有的分析在日记里面。那时候以为自己很潇洒，一个有很多借口要离开的人，你会牵挂吗？

到最后，曾经的我爱你，只剩下对不起。
对不起什么？
对不起我不爱了。

《春娇与志明》里的余春娇，为了接近一个男人学着抽烟，后来他爱上别人而且还为了那个别人戒了烟，而她，却再也戒不掉了。像极了生活中的我们。

在一起分开了，和从未在一起，哪一个比较遗憾？
他们说，至少你有勇气去爱，去争取自己要的东西。结果呢，到头来好像还是跌得整身是伤，抱着自己哭，哭着说以后不敢了。
最美好是第一次的你好，最难过的，还是你用了对不起来报答我的我爱你。

郑秀文这件事情让我看到，很多事情不是努力就会有结果，至少爱情是这样。好听叫做真心付出，难听的话，其实就是一厢情愿。被爱是奢侈的幸福，你明白了吗？

身边有很多很努力生活的女生，几乎每一个的背后都曾经有一段难熬的时光，一些不告诉别人的伤疤。每次我走不下去的时候，我问她，你怎么熬过来的？
她笑着说，没办法，还是要走下去。
声音里我听到的是无奈，是就算没人心疼也要加油的无助。

你问我还相信吗？我相信，只是不是每个人都那么幸运。所以我要更加努力，至少下辈子的那个我会很幸运遇到。

至少下辈子的那个我，可以不用那么努力了。

Towards the sunshine

Died becoming Ed Sheeran's fan. Poisoned by every single word he sings from the bottom of his heart.

Had a gloomy weekend (as gloomy as the KK weather) with depressive symptoms, but deep down I know I cant continue being like this anymore.

I want my sunshine back.

I want to be how I used to be.

Enough. I want to become better, so that one day you know how silly it is to have hurt me.

So that one day you know how silly it is not to fight for a person like me.

回归。简单。

长大其实真的不是什么好事。参与着复杂的社会, 遇见有心机的人, 逼着自己解决越来越复杂的事。

每个人都在说- I need a break. I want to travel. 然后买机票, 努力上网找攻略, 打卡机场, 在同个景点拍20张照片, 上传脸书, 看得到多少个like, 多少人在下面羡慕的说:" 你就好了"。
然后还有然后吗? 有。回到同个工作岗位, 面对着同样的人事物。

我是这样吗?是, 肯定是。突然有一天, 却发现自己不想再做这种事了。只想定一个日期和地点出发, 然后出走, 走向未知和未来。

原来世界上除了有情歌的浪漫, 还有海浪打着沙滩的感动。

原来世界上除了有金钱的诱惑, 还有大自然的纯真。

原来世界上除了有人们的赞美, 还有微风看不到的拥抱。

原来世界上除了有网上被按赞的虚荣, 还有被浪花突然溅到的快乐。

突然察觉人生最难得的是简单, 突然觉得我最需要的, 是知足。

愿海浪带走你所有的悲伤, 愿天空带给你所有的希望。

从零开始，从一个人开始

有时候不知不觉会查看电话深怕迟回了你的短信，突然才发现电话不会再有你的简讯
有时候一个人吃饭会不小心点了你喜欢吃的，才发现以前自己都不吃这个
有时候开车电台播了一首曾经有回忆的歌，结果发现视线突然模糊了
有时候睡醒的时候，不知道为什么枕头还是会湿了一块

就算把电话号码洗了，自己还会背得出来
就算把东西丢完，还是不舍得把钥匙圈拆下来
就算今天发生了最荒谬的事，还是会遗憾没办法和你分享

幸福，和快乐
难道不是我该有的权力？

時間的電影 結局才知道 原來大人已沒有童謠 最後的叮嚀 最後的擁抱 我們紅著眼笑 我們都要把自己照顧好 好到遺憾無法打擾 好好的生活 好好的變老 好好假裝我 已經把你忘掉

请你一定要过得比我幸福。

To Amin.

You survived more than 3 rounds of CPR. Everytime few seconds we want to give up you come back with signs of life.

1st one was at birth. Cord round neck x 3- tight. No fetal heart detected on table. You came out with thick meconium covering your whole body. Good body weight, term, but no sign of life. CPR commenced for 20min with all last resorts, when we were going to give up, suddenly monitor showed some heart beats. You came back. Faint heart beats, but you came back. Your daddy and mommy were told about your condition, first and only child, but with the severe perinatal hypoxia, you might not be able to make it at anytime. 

2nd one was a few days after you were born. Desaturated again. But somehow you came back again after CPR. Family conference done, your family agreed for DNR (do not resuscitate) if you continue to deteriorate. Somehow I feel people who choose to resuscitate when their loved ones are at the end of their lives are very selfish. Ask yourself: you want them to be better? Or you just want them to stay with you for a little bit longer? With HIE stage 3 (severe hypoxia causing multi organ dysfunction), your parents know you are not going to grow like any other kids. You won't look at them, smile at them, start sitting, standing then running like others. You won't even know how to roll over when you are 5months old. But they love you. For 74 days that you stayed in the ward, I can see nothing but their love for you. 

Your mommy comes every morning to sit next to your cot, sometimes we allow her to hold you in her arms. Your daddy comes every evening to read Yassin to you. Next to your little head there's always a small al Quran which your dad loves reading to you. He would bend his body for 15min to whisper the holy phrases to your ears. He would laugh so happily when you move your hands a little or twitch your facial muscles abit when they talk to you. 

Sometimes I wonder how do they feel seeing the parents of their neighboring cots. When the babies next to them can cry, can smile, and you can't even latch to your mom's breast. When they see me they always smile at me, greet, and we always joke aground. But it always hurts me when I think about how much they cried when they agreed for DNR. How many times would they have cried at home after you were born. 

So I always tell myself that the least thing to do for you is to care for you as much as I can. Looking at your cute handsome face I just can't accept that you are not growing up, and God is going to take you away anytime. When I was in NICU I always go to hug you whenever I'm free, because I always think you need more love than other babies. When I take blood or set line for you I always force myself to get it in only one prick, because you have suffered a lot and I don't want to cause you anymore pain. When you were fit to go home, I felt no less happier than your family. 

You followed me from NICU to 4A for 2 rotations and you came back again now. Finally grew up a little bit more, you are admitted to paediatrics ward! You weighed a little bit more now at 3 months old, didn't grow taller at all, but your limbs are stiffer than before. Your handsome little face is covered by Bipap, you struggle to breathe, I know how much you want to cough but you can't. 

That day during morning rounds we asked if your parents want to agree for DNR, and your mom weeped again. But I had so much confidence in you. You are going to grow up, with multiple hospital admissions but you are going to grow up. After so many things that happen I think

 your parents still have hope that you will be like any other kids. Even though no but we choose not to take away their hope.

Do you know you have a great daddy? He prepares milk for you, do suction at home, serve your medications, talk and laugh with you everyday you are here. 

Your mummy, needless to say, know every single thing about you better than any staff nurse or doctor. You always get angry when someone wants to poke you, but every time when I talk to you and tell you that I want to take a little bit blood, surprisingly you don't struggle at all. When you get irritated for no reason your mom and I always blame it to your dad, and we would say Amin tengah marah eh? Mesti sebab daddy kacau Amin. And your dad will continue talking to you kissing your forehead.

That day when I walked in to check on your lungs it was 7.30pm, your parents were about to break fast. On the right hand he was eating, on the left hand he was holding your arm. It hurts me so much to see this, that you are not going to sit and break fast with them forever. 

Yesterday we upgraded your setting to Cpap. That's the maximum we can do, because if you deteriorate anymore we can only stand there and look at the spO2 drop. 

Amin means trustworthy and faithful in Arabic. Underneath that name all I can see is the love and hope of your parents for you. Such a strong kid you are baby. No matter how far you can go, I will always keep you in my prayer and remember you for who you are. 

Some days when you are tired of living like this Amin, let go. Let go and come back again as a healthy baby born to the same family. You deserve to grow up and learn about this world, you deserve much much more than this. 

To dear Amin, my warrior. 

眼泪是留给父母看的。

眼泪是留给父母看的-这句话是三年级的时候班主任告诉我们的,而我一记就记了16年了。

但是我承认自己很没用,很不争气,这个月哭三次了。眼泪是留给父母看的,是在你成功的时候流下用汗水换来的泪水,是可以让他们欣慰的泪水。16年来,每次哭我都提醒自己同一句话。自己还没成功,父母还没欣慰,所以你不许哭。

这几次想哭的时候这句话都完全没出现在脑海里, 几乎每一次都是接近崩溃地哭, 不在乎那时候身边有谁有什么。是压力大了吧,还是自己神经病了?

上个月送了本书给好朋友, 前面我写了:
Dear friend, 即使世界不断让你失望, 也要继续相信爱。

原来相信爱是那么困难的一件事, 原来有时候现实可以很残忍的把你一直坚信的东西毁掉, 原来世界上没有一件事一个人会为你多想一步, 原来你是那么的可有可无。

2016/02/27, 决定了不相信爱。

2015-> Bittersweet happiness

趁现在得空就来写一下总结吧。描述的方式仍然是盗用最爱的歌词：

一月：《快乐至上》

天再高　我的快樂至上

只要幸福就好

愛多大聲　有情人才懂分寸

翻山越嶺只是為了尋找　心中最想的人

也許聰明的人少了一點天份

再苦再煩我活的認真　至少我會承認愛需要等一等

哭著笑著　不過就是一種過程

二月：《简简单单》

只是簡簡單單的愛過 我還是我

簡簡單單的傷過 就不算白活

簡簡單單的瘋過 被夢帶走

當故事結束之後 心也喜歡一個人寂寞

三月：《倔强》

逆風的方向　更適合飛翔　我不怕千萬人阻擋　只怕自己投降

我和我最後的倔強　握緊雙手絕對不放
下一站是不是天堂　就算失望不能絕望
我和我驕傲的倔強　我在風中大聲的唱
這一次為自己瘋狂　就這一次　我和我的倔強

原来倔强的成果是甜的。

四月：《Back to December》

It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you.

Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine.

I'd go back to December, turn around and make it all right.

I go back to December all the time.

四月只是一个无所事事又时间太多所以乱想东想西的月份。无所事事到自己都忘了是怎么过的，好像就拼命睡觉泡咖啡厅找旅游资料然后再睡觉而已。

五月：《逃亡》

踩着月光　打开车窗　离开这城市想找个解放

我站在靠近天的顶端　张开手全都释放　

用月光取暖　给自己力量
才发现关于梦的答案　一直在自己手上

To be continued :D 

之前想看回以前的自己都是翻回写过的文章，今天想看回2015的总结才突然发现原来twitter记录的竟然比blogspot还要多😅

而且也突然发现圣诞节剩一个星期了。

突然发现又过了一年了。

突然发现自己又老了。

突然发现自己不太想要变得那么成熟。因为成熟的代价是累。很累很累的累。每次嘴里都嚷着说的不在乎，原来只是用来保护自己的武装。强迫自己接受身边的改变，强迫自己接受眼前的现实，强迫到接受突然就变成了一种理所当然的东西。每天早上都要有一颗空荡荡的心，因为要塞的东西有数以万计，夜深人静的时候在把全部吞下去，确保明天早上还有足够的空间塞更多的事情。

这个叫自虐吗？我不知道。

只知道自己不是活得很开心，但是却很努力的强迫自己要感恩每天都活下来了。如果真心感恩的话，是需要强迫的吗？

不要期盼有人会心疼你，因为有期望就一定会失望。

心似乎承载不了多一点点失望了。

原来你是我最想留住的幸运。

这首歌一出来的时候就已经深深爱上了。曲好听之余，更感人的是歌词。那时候一个好朋友就说了：每个人都有过自己的小幸运吧。

看这部电影的时候，你脑袋里浮现的，是谁的影子？

人长大了，就不会再把自己当戏里的男女主角，把主角往自己身上套。戏看完一走出来，朋友就问我：想起谁了？

其实我没想起任何人。那个时候才真正觉得自己长大了很多，已不再活在回忆里，更不活在男女主角的世界里。而当我反问她看戏想起谁的时候，她说：不告诉你，但肯定不是我老公。哈哈哈。

你嫁的永远都是出现在对的时间的那个人，可能不是你最爱的。

你最爱的永远都是会被埋在心里的那个人，不是出现在生活里的。

《我的少女时代》比《那些年》好看的点是，每个人的生命里都有一个徐太宇，只是当时我们的眼里只看到了自己的欧阳。

也许当时忙着微笑和哭泣，忙着追逐天空中的流星，而理所当然的忘记，是谁风里雨里一直默默守护在原地。

而当自己看得到的时候，伤痕累累的那个人已经决定离开了。

歌词的最后一句是最让人心碎的一句：遇见你的注定，她会有多幸运。

对你好不是必然的。
珍惜那个在你很忙的时候提醒你吃饭的人。
珍惜那个在你需要的时候愿意倾听的人。
珍惜那个担心你太累主动载你回家的人。
珍惜那个不顺路也要来找你的人。
珍惜那个你不出声也陪在你身旁的人。

即使最后不是和他走到最后，但是要庆幸自己有过这么一段故事。


你最近好吗？
遇见了你的她吗？

Is there real friendship between men and women?

This is probably one of the largest topic or conflict that one can ever think about. I used to be very firm in answering yes to this question, but it all changed after an incident that happened to me a few years back (with one of my closest friends who happens to be a man). Henceforth I don't believe in true friendship between the opposite sex.

I think that there must be one side that feels more than the other, yet they remain friend because he/she doesn't want to make a move. It destroys the friendship if one side tries to change it, and the dangerous part is, there is no turning back.

Lately I questioned myself this again, because I think the way I perceive things start to change. There might, or there is, just that I haven't noticed.

Being with them are just comfortable and happy until everyone doubts our status. But me being a Gemini who's so sensitive to all the extraordinary 'feeling', I'm proud to say that we are close friends. And definitely nothing more than that. Laughing our lungs out in the public, hiding the deepest side of us only when we are facing each other. Isn't that what close friends do? And it is just too comfortable being a friend. Too much. Too much that I feel things start to fade or it isn't like how it was. And I start to complain like a furious puppy trying to get lunch.

There used to be times where we literally chat nonstop and couldn't let go of the phone because it was too fun. Times where we lay on the same bed talking till 3am about so so so many things (I didn't know that men can also talk so much). Times where we talk nonstop on a 6hours journey and already planning for the next one.

I believe it's the memory that's haunting me. Because reality teaches me that happiness doesn't last. The faster it began, the faster it would end. And I believe reality is trying to separate us, literally dragging us away to different corners.

Dealing friendships with men ain't the same way to deal with women. And I'm still learning the right way. Meanwhile, I shall keep them in my heart and thank god that at least we met.

Thank god because it happened. I tried to hold it hard, but it just didn't seem to work. From my side I have done my best, so God, please do your best too.

Please give them a smooth journey ahead. Please let them be happy in whatever they do. Love you, bffs :)

Discouragement.

You know what, discouragement sucks.

Its now a week prior to the start of my new job, and hopefully a permanent one, I still consistently get negative feedback/discouragement/demotivating quotes from everyone&everywhere.

Seriously, is it so hard to encourage someone?

I am able to understand their frustration and disappointment after finding out that this path is not at all like what they have expected, but if it isn't, do something and make a change! I have read posts saying how you work like a cow and get scolded like a dog, how being a doctor is entirely different from what you might have imagined and etc. And to be honest, I imagined nothing from the beginning.

5 years ago people used to tell me how difficult this path is, how impossible and depressing that it will be, and you will come out feeling stupid for making the dumbest choice that you can ever make in your life. It is not worthy, it is not hopeful. At all.

And there it goes, I have gone through all those and I still want to tell people that yes, it is worth all your sweat and tears. Those sleepless nights, those frustrating patients, those unfinished textbooks, those awful words that are spit on your face, those moments to see life slipping away from your hand. I have been through all these and still I want to say yes, it is worthy. That's medicine. If someone wants to do medicine and he/she is asking me for an opinion, I would still say yes, go for it. Because it changes you. It changes your life.

I am now still floating among discouragement and demotivation. And it sucks to feel like that. It sucks to say yes I know it's demotivating yes I agree with you. But it is more heartbreaking when people think you don't get it, when they think hey dont think so much, you are not gonna make it.

But hey, among those who ranted, who did not complete in the end? No one. Everyone survived through, it is just a matter of perspective, a matter of choice. From which angle you want to look at things from.

Because I can never forget how my patient's heart beats again after it stopped.

Because I can never forget how people say thank you to me.

Because I can never forget how it feels when 1 person out of 10 appreciates your effort.



I chose to remember that one person, and you chose to remember the remaining nine. That's why we are different. 

如果，那就。

如果不是最后一天放弃昂坪的行程，我就不会再次走去铜锣湾。

如果不是在铜锣湾找咖啡店，我就不会误打误撞进了诚品。

如果不是某个人把一本小说随手放在一堆财经书籍之间，我就不会打开来看。

如果我没有打开来看，我就不会看到那篇故事。

那篇原来彩虹兔也是别人的故事的故事。

小说名字叫分手寄卖店，顾名思义是间别人把自己分手后的物品送过去寄卖。门铃响后进来的那个男生带了彩虹兔来寄卖，兔子是之前女生说要的，但是之后送不了给她只好拿来寄卖。原因呢？他们才七岁，全世界不觉得他们知道什么是爱，什么是喜欢。爱似乎变成了大人世界的东西，小孩不能拥有。之前女生想和男生一起去赤柱看海，因为大人都说赤柱很浪漫，他们想知道浪漫是什么。但是之后女生生病了，他们两个不能见面，彩虹兔最后也交不到女生的手中。

后来老板带着彩虹兔到赤柱拍了很多照片，把这些照片都寄到女生的手中。不管最后他们有没有在一起，他们知不知道什么是爱，至少女生知道有一个人曾经因为她说的一句话而努力实现她的愿望，至少男生知道有一个人曾经可以让自己那么努力去让她开心。

故事让我很感动的事有两样：我很喜欢彩虹兔，我也很爱赤柱这个地方。所以看到他拍的那些照片时整个头皮发麻。自己也很幸运地有一只彩虹兔，就是因为知道自己很幸福，所以才拼命地去珍惜。

是要多在乎一个人，才会记得那些他/她说过的话？

When you open your eyes and feel thankful.

好久都没写些开心的事了，似乎自己的世界总是灰暗的但是其实不是，我只是习惯把快乐藏起来，尽量让自己归于平淡-因为这样子的话就算有一天闪电打雷，也劈中不了我的心。

平淡得觉得自己老了。当大家都在很忙碌很紧张地想着隔天的hospital placement 时，我却很轻松地躺在床上和朋友一起唱歌大笑。当大家的眼睛猛盯着电脑拼命刷新时，我却很从容地一只手拿着电话一只手在吃早餐。是我不在乎吗?我不知道。只知道就算最后结果不如我所想的，我还是会觉得是上天帮我开的另一扇门，我要感激祂。

老了，得失心没那么重了。
老了，开始珍惜很多的小事。
老了，不想再让伤心影响自己太久。

其实开始不了解身边的人了，为什么要为一件小事伤心那么久，为什么得不到自己要的医院还会放声大哭？是自己把自己磨练得太坚强了，还是其实是身边一直以来都没人让我不坚强？



其实，开心就是每天细数一下上天送来了多少个天使在你身边。

It hurts to watch you fall.

Remember how all of us used to play snake and ladder when we were kids? I want to tell you that even if you ended up in the wrong box and fell back to box number one, I will still stand right there waiting for you. 

Sometimes I have forgotten how many times I told you about the running game. We are all in a running competition consisting of different challenges, and perhaps yours is one with the roads under construction and you just have to run a few extra laps to reach the ending point. And I'm still gonna wait at the finishing line no matter how long you are gonna take. 

This thing didn't change a little after this incident too. Sometimes I treasure this friendship so much that I began to not know how to let go. This morning you said it's ironic how you always dress yourself in your best suit in front of me, and I really wanted to tell you how much this hurts to me, because from day one our love and care to each other has never been equal. 

People always say not to give it all when you meet someone, because giving all of you makes you unworthy, makes you selfless, makes you under his shoes. Being unworthy is already an understatement from the beginning. Because I think I still need you more than you do. 

You know what, I will keep moving forward. But sometimes I will turn my head and see if you are catching up. And one day when we meet at a crossing point, I hope we both know that it means so much. 

解剖。爱情。

刚认识的时候，她已经在他好前面好前面了。

但是他够细心，够疼她，宠她，她选择了他。即使知道彼此是有距离的，还是选择继续走下去。

一路上跌跌撞撞，互相成长。即使身边可能有更适合的人，依然对彼此不离不去。

身边的人的反对，现实社会的眼光，都不明白为什么她不找个和自己般配的人，却选择了一个普普通通的他。永远都要走在他的前面，甚至有时候拉着他走，逼他走得快一点，难道她不曾累吗？

难道她不想放弃吗。

努力地让彼此的距离变小，努力地放慢自己的脚步让他追上来，努力地说服自己站在原地等他。

一个女人最不应该做的就是为一个男人停留在原地。把自己的梦想放小，把自己的男人放大。但是感性的女人，始终会选择站在那里，回头看，等他一天终于追上来。

她不知道自己应该做些什么，只是无助地希望他能追上来。

有时候爱情不能战胜的，是这种距离，这种好远好远的距离。

那天不知道在聊什么的时候开玩笑说你要杀我的话我一定跑掉，你说不会，叫我不要跑掉好吗？我傻笑地说好吧我不跑我用走的。

你说那你记得走慢一点，那么我就不用追得那么辛苦。

当下听了不知道干嘛心好酸，从来都没有人跟我说过这句话。

原来你从一开始就看到了我们的距离。

India- Changes

Haven't updated my blog in a while. Was actually at the verge of disposing it but mm seh-dak ah! Afterall it is still a part of me. 

Came back for good for exactly 2 months today. Shaken legs enough for a month, done with the application, went for a trip, now it's time to think of what to do for the coming few months (hopefully till august).

Breaking out of my comfort zone has always been something that I wanted to force myself to do. Even though I have lived independently in a foreign nation for the past 5 years, there's still a lot of things that I need to cope to start a new life here again. 

That's one of the reasons why I started working part time (money is definitely not one of the reasons). More than that I would really like to go meet new people and learn something that's totally different from my field.

And throughout this week I have noticed a few things that's different about me, that the past five years have imprinted in me. 

I feel awkward meeting new people. And that makes me realise that all these while I kept myself in my own bubble, hanging around with only people that I know so well, and I haven't really met someone new for a really longggggg time. Thank you India. 

I (maybe the whole hospital and college) don't know how to be professional. Such ironic it is. We are all in a very professional field yet nobody knows how to keep professionalism in the hospital. We gossip in the hospital, flirt over the phone after discussing a case, ask our colleagues out for a date, do whatsoever is shown in Greys Anatomy. But in the office nobody talks about other things. The only time where we get to know each other is during lunch or most probably activities after office hour.

I became extremely mature. Keep emphasis on things that I want myself to do and constrain myself from doing something that does not benefit anyone. It's a good thing actually, but over maturity makes a person uninteresting. Your speech and acts get bounded by your maturity (and that can become very boring haha) 

Anyhow I am glad that India changed me, because I love how compliments come to me so naturally when I portray certain strong traits. Matt told me that they are all marveled by the way I bring myself and the maturity I portray *flips hair* [didnt mama teach you to not listen to sweet talks by guys so easily?] 

Gonna miss this bunch of people when I leave. The stupid cold and dirty jokes, the unexpected little sweet surprises, the gentleness in their acts, the professionalism at work and etc etc. 

Glad I chose to spend my holiday like this :)