It hurts to watch you fall.

Remember how all of us used to play snake and ladder when we were kids? I want to tell you that even if you ended up in the wrong box and fell back to box number one, I will still stand right there waiting for you. 

Sometimes I have forgotten how many times I told you about the running game. We are all in a running competition consisting of different challenges, and perhaps yours is one with the roads under construction and you just have to run a few extra laps to reach the ending point. And I'm still gonna wait at the finishing line no matter how long you are gonna take. 

This thing didn't change a little after this incident too. Sometimes I treasure this friendship so much that I began to not know how to let go. This morning you said it's ironic how you always dress yourself in your best suit in front of me, and I really wanted to tell you how much this hurts to me, because from day one our love and care to each other has never been equal. 

People always say not to give it all when you meet someone, because giving all of you makes you unworthy, makes you selfless, makes you under his shoes. Being unworthy is already an understatement from the beginning. Because I think I still need you more than you do. 

You know what, I will keep moving forward. But sometimes I will turn my head and see if you are catching up. And one day when we meet at a crossing point, I hope we both know that it means so much. 

解剖。爱情。

刚认识的时候，她已经在他好前面好前面了。

但是他够细心，够疼她，宠她，她选择了他。即使知道彼此是有距离的，还是选择继续走下去。

一路上跌跌撞撞，互相成长。即使身边可能有更适合的人，依然对彼此不离不去。

身边的人的反对，现实社会的眼光，都不明白为什么她不找个和自己般配的人，却选择了一个普普通通的他。永远都要走在他的前面，甚至有时候拉着他走，逼他走得快一点，难道她不曾累吗？

难道她不想放弃吗。

努力地让彼此的距离变小，努力地放慢自己的脚步让他追上来，努力地说服自己站在原地等他。

一个女人最不应该做的就是为一个男人停留在原地。把自己的梦想放小，把自己的男人放大。但是感性的女人，始终会选择站在那里，回头看，等他一天终于追上来。

她不知道自己应该做些什么，只是无助地希望他能追上来。

有时候爱情不能战胜的，是这种距离，这种好远好远的距离。

那天不知道在聊什么的时候开玩笑说你要杀我的话我一定跑掉，你说不会，叫我不要跑掉好吗？我傻笑地说好吧我不跑我用走的。

你说那你记得走慢一点，那么我就不用追得那么辛苦。

当下听了不知道干嘛心好酸，从来都没有人跟我说过这句话。

原来你从一开始就看到了我们的距离。

India- Changes

Haven't updated my blog in a while. Was actually at the verge of disposing it but mm seh-dak ah! Afterall it is still a part of me. 

Came back for good for exactly 2 months today. Shaken legs enough for a month, done with the application, went for a trip, now it's time to think of what to do for the coming few months (hopefully till august).

Breaking out of my comfort zone has always been something that I wanted to force myself to do. Even though I have lived independently in a foreign nation for the past 5 years, there's still a lot of things that I need to cope to start a new life here again. 

That's one of the reasons why I started working part time (money is definitely not one of the reasons). More than that I would really like to go meet new people and learn something that's totally different from my field.

And throughout this week I have noticed a few things that's different about me, that the past five years have imprinted in me. 

I feel awkward meeting new people. And that makes me realise that all these while I kept myself in my own bubble, hanging around with only people that I know so well, and I haven't really met someone new for a really longggggg time. Thank you India. 

I (maybe the whole hospital and college) don't know how to be professional. Such ironic it is. We are all in a very professional field yet nobody knows how to keep professionalism in the hospital. We gossip in the hospital, flirt over the phone after discussing a case, ask our colleagues out for a date, do whatsoever is shown in Greys Anatomy. But in the office nobody talks about other things. The only time where we get to know each other is during lunch or most probably activities after office hour.

I became extremely mature. Keep emphasis on things that I want myself to do and constrain myself from doing something that does not benefit anyone. It's a good thing actually, but over maturity makes a person uninteresting. Your speech and acts get bounded by your maturity (and that can become very boring haha) 

Anyhow I am glad that India changed me, because I love how compliments come to me so naturally when I portray certain strong traits. Matt told me that they are all marveled by the way I bring myself and the maturity I portray *flips hair* [didnt mama teach you to not listen to sweet talks by guys so easily?] 

Gonna miss this bunch of people when I leave. The stupid cold and dirty jokes, the unexpected little sweet surprises, the gentleness in their acts, the professionalism at work and etc etc. 

Glad I chose to spend my holiday like this :) 

最后自己变成了自己最想要的男人。

有时候会不知道干嘛的爱上自己写过的文字，爱上自己转发过的微博。其实人有时候就是很奇怪，每天幻想着自己想过的生活，但是过着的同时又似乎忘了自己曾经憧憬的是什么。

以前幻想着自己要在假期中周游列国，至少每个月要去一个地方。但是后来回来后却不知为何懒惰再次出走，懒惰再读资料准备下次的旅程。是自己懒惰了？还是纯粹是因为没人和自己作战而孤独了？突然发现自己是个不可以做to-do list 的人，因为从来不会因为东西在list上面而去做，然后又发现自己是个很爱找借口说服自己的人（完全就是双子座的双重人格）。

姐姐给我的生日祝福说：想做就去做，不要想那么多。

昨天在观音亭求签时，解签的说什么都会平步青云，只要你不要三心两意。

三心两意，向来都是我的标准人格。

最近好像看到自己好多好多的缺点，强迫自己去改但是还是改不了。看来是要跟着我一辈子的了😂😂😂

似乎习惯了归于平淡，不想在活在记忆里了。

盛夏光年。

Post-情人节快乐。一直以来都很喜欢这首歌，但是从来都没有觉得自己像歌词里那般活着。今天重新把歌词再看一遍，发现原来自己一直在过歌词里的生活。

放弃规则

放纵去爱

放肆自己

放空未来

可能这四句话就是我这一年来的写照吧。去年的今天，我记得对自己说过：今年终于不用考试，不用过着那么大压力的生活了。所以要尽情享受，尽情学习。回顾一整年的生活，好想对自己说：你终于过了你想过的生活。

放弃规则做过违背良心守则的事情，放纵去爱过不该爱的人，放肆自己跟朋友酗酒到凌晨，放空未来不让自己策划将来。

长大难道是人必经的溃烂。


致 我那无法回转的青春。

黑色星期六

昨天过了一个很难熬的一天，晚上睡觉也一直无端端醒来。

整件事重复太多次给大家听了，说到我自己也不想重复了。早上跟朋友坦诚说我不知道自己能不能走得出来，他告诉我他做过更加糟糕的事情，比较起来希望我不要觉得那么难过。

一个原本很欢乐的星期六变成那么的沉重，那么的无奈。

一天下来感受了很多，感受到生命，人生，无奈，空虚，无助。

生命是发现他瞳孔放大没反应的时候。

人生是家属冲过来辱骂我们的时候。

无奈是看着他老婆哭得站不起来的时候。

空虚是一个人坐在ICU等院方和家属理论的时候。

无助是想打电话找人来救我出去却想起你的时候。

“我已经无能为力 无法抗拒 无路可退，这陌生的夜现在的我 需要人陪。”  

手里拿着电话，却不知道能够打给谁。

永远都不想再承受那种寂寞了。

(谢谢不顾一切冲过来在我身边的朋友，每次都觉得不想依赖你，但是出事的时候总是知道你会来救我。谢谢昨天差点就要打给你的朋友，今天告诉你的时候你只说了一句Why you didn't call me?）　

其实因为我不想依赖你。

I am actually doing post op right now.

Thursday.

Happy diwali.

Sunny.

Had a pretty tough week previously, been riding several emotional roller coasters actually. These days I am actually busy encouraging one old tata (tata= grandfather in kannada) for post-amputation physiotherapy. [Yea the same tata that I mentioned in the previous post]. Sometimes I get very angry at him when he isnt cooperative during physio sessions, but I keep telling myself to be patient and give lots of positive reinforcement. And now, finally he has started getting down from the bed and tried walking!!! *claps* Seeinf him everyday makes me feel happy and contented, even though I am so frustrated with all other stuff at the same time.

It makes me feel all my stupid work are worthy. All those screaming from seniors are worthy.

Especially when discharged patients come back to the OPD for follow up and they want to talk to you. They want to let you know that they are good, and their "hello doctor how are you?" means soooo much to me.



Yesterday when I went shopping I met a salesman who greeted me with a generous smile. and asked if I could recognise him. I apologised and said no. He then introduced himself and asked if I remember a girl named Bharathi who was admitted a few weeks back in the hospital. I think I came across this name but still couldnt exactly remember whos that. It was actually her daughter who was admitted in Paeds Surgery for VUR repair and that I remember post operatively that poor girl suffered with alot of pain.

But afterwards she improved day by day and she used to give me high five every morning hehe. The salesman said thank you so much for all those times and I was so touched. I was only in Paed Surgery for 5 days! and people remember what I did *wipes tears*

Sometimes I rant so much about how terrible my life is, how insignificant all my works mean, how much oxygen I am wasting in this globe.

But people like this keep me going. They keep me reminded that I imprint on their life. They tell me not to forget why I chose this path at the first place.



And I am writing these stories down so that if one day I really want to give up, I have things to look back and tell me to hold on. 

Scribbling like an artist.

I have a friend who is an artist, and when I say artist I mean she does arts. Those kind where a simple scribble looks so artistic and worth RM300. 

I love her instagram because she always has all these cute drawings with captions which dont match at all. and its usually beyond imagination. I feel this is what we called as talent. 

Just yesterday I was talking to the plastic surgeon about talent. He asked me what am I interested in doing.

Him: So medicine or surgery?
Me: Medicine, Sir. 
Him: BBBADDDDD PHOEBE BBAAAADDD. WHY NOT SURGERY?
Me: I dont know. I think surgery needs talent, and its not something that you can gain from hardwork. It is something you are born with. 
Him: Hmm, I dont know how to respond to that. 

HAHAHAHHA. I love making people speechless. 

He said till the end of his MBBS he has never pictured himself as a surgeon. Most of the time he didnt know what he was doing. This is kinda shocking especially when it comes out from the mouth of such a wise man. I adore him. I adore his sense of humor. I adore his knowledge. Deep inside I am dying to know his life story. If its not because of that damn phone call I think he must have shared alot with me. Damn it. 

This is one of the stories I want to document it down. Because I loveeee having a conversation with wise men. (Its the same as talking to my best friend's dad, a physician who has built his own family hospital from zero). These people are simply amusing.


(leaves space)

And the other one I want to write down is this:

Today as usual I was doing rounds and talking to patients. Theres this old man in post op whom we have performed a below knee amputation yesterday. And as usual I asked how are you. 

He was smiling and looking at me, and he said: What how are you you have chopped off my leg how good can I be. 

He wasn't being rude at all, but my heart sinked a little. 

We take things too lightly, an amputation sounds so common to us. For us an amputation means omg this is so cool we should study and come, and fight for a chance to scrub in. 

We forgot how to think from a patient's point of view. We forgot to think that oh no from now on he is not able to walk. We are all so busy saving lives that we forgot what a leg means. 

Pathetic people. Us. 

Happy Friendship Day!

Okay basically I don't do all these things, but I didn't know it means so much to my best friend. yea we celebrate valentines, so why don't we celebrate friendship day too?

Honestly speaking a lot of Malaysians are not really close to Indians here because we don't stay in their hostels, we don't speak their languages, we don't play their sports, and we don't understand why they can eat the same annasambar (dhal rice) for lunch everyday. 

And some localites (they call them Tempe) have really bad attitudes. They throw everything they don't want at you, make you suffer in class, don't update you with news that you are also supposed to do, bunk classes and make you absent also (eventually they are the ones turning up) and the list goes on. So yea, we don't really like them in general.

But I am so lucky to meet people who are different. My two best friends who tolerate all my shit (yes I tolerate a lot of theirs too)! No other Indians can bear with my level of meaness trust me. When I say I'm funny but not mean, they will reply together: no, you are mean but not funny -.-

Rebekah made a video of us when I complained to her that we don't have much photos together. 

I was so surprised with what she found, and on top of that, I noticed every pic that we took together has a story behind it. 

"This was taken when we went to Keerthana's house for the first time"

"This was when we wanted to ditch Ufi so much that we went to a corner and started taking selfies when she was on the phone"

"This was that Pizza Hut time where you were trying to overhear others conversation" 

"This was during graduation party" "This was when we sneaked into the casualty with frappe in our hands to look for your crush" "This was after exam" "This was when we got to know your bf for the first time" 

And so many more. 

They are people whom I can laugh and cry with, people who pour out real emotions to shower others with love. I really love them. To the extend that if Rebekah and I have someone who we can never be with, we would rather Keerthana has him haha.

(Yea it's that stupid South Indian race religion and caste thingy) 

Just wanna cherish them for the remaining days left in Mysore. After all we know that it's almost impossible to meet frequently next year onwards.

Love you, my two silly cheapens.