盛夏光年。

Post-情人节快乐。一直以来都很喜欢这首歌，但是从来都没有觉得自己像歌词里那般活着。今天重新把歌词再看一遍，发现原来自己一直在过歌词里的生活。

放弃规则

放纵去爱

放肆自己

放空未来

可能这四句话就是我这一年来的写照吧。去年的今天，我记得对自己说过：今年终于不用考试，不用过着那么大压力的生活了。所以要尽情享受，尽情学习。回顾一整年的生活，好想对自己说：你终于过了你想过的生活。

放弃规则做过违背良心守则的事情，放纵去爱过不该爱的人，放肆自己跟朋友酗酒到凌晨，放空未来不让自己策划将来。

长大难道是人必经的溃烂。


致 我那无法回转的青春。

黑色星期六

昨天过了一个很难熬的一天，晚上睡觉也一直无端端醒来。

整件事重复太多次给大家听了，说到我自己也不想重复了。早上跟朋友坦诚说我不知道自己能不能走得出来，他告诉我他做过更加糟糕的事情，比较起来希望我不要觉得那么难过。

一个原本很欢乐的星期六变成那么的沉重，那么的无奈。

一天下来感受了很多，感受到生命，人生，无奈，空虚，无助。

生命是发现他瞳孔放大没反应的时候。

人生是家属冲过来辱骂我们的时候。

无奈是看着他老婆哭得站不起来的时候。

空虚是一个人坐在ICU等院方和家属理论的时候。

无助是想打电话找人来救我出去却想起你的时候。

“我已经无能为力 无法抗拒 无路可退，这陌生的夜现在的我 需要人陪。”  

手里拿着电话，却不知道能够打给谁。

永远都不想再承受那种寂寞了。

(谢谢不顾一切冲过来在我身边的朋友，每次都觉得不想依赖你，但是出事的时候总是知道你会来救我。谢谢昨天差点就要打给你的朋友，今天告诉你的时候你只说了一句Why you didn't call me?）　

其实因为我不想依赖你。

I am actually doing post op right now.

Thursday.

Happy diwali.

Sunny.

Had a pretty tough week previously, been riding several emotional roller coasters actually. These days I am actually busy encouraging one old tata (tata= grandfather in kannada) for post-amputation physiotherapy. [Yea the same tata that I mentioned in the previous post]. Sometimes I get very angry at him when he isnt cooperative during physio sessions, but I keep telling myself to be patient and give lots of positive reinforcement. And now, finally he has started getting down from the bed and tried walking!!! *claps* Seeinf him everyday makes me feel happy and contented, even though I am so frustrated with all other stuff at the same time.

It makes me feel all my stupid work are worthy. All those screaming from seniors are worthy.

Especially when discharged patients come back to the OPD for follow up and they want to talk to you. They want to let you know that they are good, and their "hello doctor how are you?" means soooo much to me.



Yesterday when I went shopping I met a salesman who greeted me with a generous smile. and asked if I could recognise him. I apologised and said no. He then introduced himself and asked if I remember a girl named Bharathi who was admitted a few weeks back in the hospital. I think I came across this name but still couldnt exactly remember whos that. It was actually her daughter who was admitted in Paeds Surgery for VUR repair and that I remember post operatively that poor girl suffered with alot of pain.

But afterwards she improved day by day and she used to give me high five every morning hehe. The salesman said thank you so much for all those times and I was so touched. I was only in Paed Surgery for 5 days! and people remember what I did *wipes tears*

Sometimes I rant so much about how terrible my life is, how insignificant all my works mean, how much oxygen I am wasting in this globe.

But people like this keep me going. They keep me reminded that I imprint on their life. They tell me not to forget why I chose this path at the first place.



And I am writing these stories down so that if one day I really want to give up, I have things to look back and tell me to hold on. 

Scribbling like an artist.

I have a friend who is an artist, and when I say artist I mean she does arts. Those kind where a simple scribble looks so artistic and worth RM300. 

I love her instagram because she always has all these cute drawings with captions which dont match at all. and its usually beyond imagination. I feel this is what we called as talent. 

Just yesterday I was talking to the plastic surgeon about talent. He asked me what am I interested in doing.

Him: So medicine or surgery?
Me: Medicine, Sir. 
Him: BBBADDDDD PHOEBE BBAAAADDD. WHY NOT SURGERY?
Me: I dont know. I think surgery needs talent, and its not something that you can gain from hardwork. It is something you are born with. 
Him: Hmm, I dont know how to respond to that. 

HAHAHAHHA. I love making people speechless. 

He said till the end of his MBBS he has never pictured himself as a surgeon. Most of the time he didnt know what he was doing. This is kinda shocking especially when it comes out from the mouth of such a wise man. I adore him. I adore his sense of humor. I adore his knowledge. Deep inside I am dying to know his life story. If its not because of that damn phone call I think he must have shared alot with me. Damn it. 

This is one of the stories I want to document it down. Because I loveeee having a conversation with wise men. (Its the same as talking to my best friend's dad, a physician who has built his own family hospital from zero). These people are simply amusing.


(leaves space)

And the other one I want to write down is this:

Today as usual I was doing rounds and talking to patients. Theres this old man in post op whom we have performed a below knee amputation yesterday. And as usual I asked how are you. 

He was smiling and looking at me, and he said: What how are you you have chopped off my leg how good can I be. 

He wasn't being rude at all, but my heart sinked a little. 

We take things too lightly, an amputation sounds so common to us. For us an amputation means omg this is so cool we should study and come, and fight for a chance to scrub in. 

We forgot how to think from a patient's point of view. We forgot to think that oh no from now on he is not able to walk. We are all so busy saving lives that we forgot what a leg means. 

Pathetic people. Us. 

Happy Friendship Day!

Okay basically I don't do all these things, but I didn't know it means so much to my best friend. yea we celebrate valentines, so why don't we celebrate friendship day too?

Honestly speaking a lot of Malaysians are not really close to Indians here because we don't stay in their hostels, we don't speak their languages, we don't play their sports, and we don't understand why they can eat the same annasambar (dhal rice) for lunch everyday. 

And some localites (they call them Tempe) have really bad attitudes. They throw everything they don't want at you, make you suffer in class, don't update you with news that you are also supposed to do, bunk classes and make you absent also (eventually they are the ones turning up) and the list goes on. So yea, we don't really like them in general.

But I am so lucky to meet people who are different. My two best friends who tolerate all my shit (yes I tolerate a lot of theirs too)! No other Indians can bear with my level of meaness trust me. When I say I'm funny but not mean, they will reply together: no, you are mean but not funny -.-

Rebekah made a video of us when I complained to her that we don't have much photos together. 

I was so surprised with what she found, and on top of that, I noticed every pic that we took together has a story behind it. 

"This was taken when we went to Keerthana's house for the first time"

"This was when we wanted to ditch Ufi so much that we went to a corner and started taking selfies when she was on the phone"

"This was that Pizza Hut time where you were trying to overhear others conversation" 

"This was during graduation party" "This was when we sneaked into the casualty with frappe in our hands to look for your crush" "This was after exam" "This was when we got to know your bf for the first time" 

And so many more. 

They are people whom I can laugh and cry with, people who pour out real emotions to shower others with love. I really love them. To the extend that if Rebekah and I have someone who we can never be with, we would rather Keerthana has him haha.

(Yea it's that stupid South Indian race religion and caste thingy) 

Just wanna cherish them for the remaining days left in Mysore. After all we know that it's almost impossible to meet frequently next year onwards.

Love you, my two silly cheapens. 

EURO TRIP

Bangalore- Dubai- Prague. 2days after I finished my last practicals and officially the end of my undergraduate life. My previous blog post has already storied about how suffocated that exam was for me and I am not gonna repeat it again because it was a nightmare.

Bangalore-Dubai-Prague-Paris-Prague-Dubai-Bangalore. 6 flight trips in a month, all at different times. I saw horizons which are much more beautiful beyond words, and it only shows how little can a camera captures. Travel more, sitting in a plane makes you realise how miniature you are to this world. 

I didnt really plan the whole trip- it was just a spontaneous one. I want myself to fall into the beauty and pace of ancient European cities. I want to sit at the roadside and watch people. I want to smell historical cities. I want to find myself back. 

So this time I went to
1. Czech Republic
2. Germany
3. Poland
4. France

And everyone was like WHAT? Only 4 places in a month pheebs? I went to 11 countries in 14 days!

Yea, because you are a duckling and I am not (in Chinese we call this type of tour as duckling trips 鸭子团)

Prague. Just right outside my sister's house.

Till now I still think Prague is the most beautiful city in Europe. Yea maybe because I haven't been to many yet. But the weather the scenary the pace the people the wall the churches are just like a rib eye plus a wine, they fit each other in so perfectly. 

Charles Bridge. I call this paradise on earth.

Beautiful, no?

Introduce to everyone a good travel blog that I have found when I was planning my trip

http://ericro2010.blogspot.in/

But its in Mandarin so sorry for people who dont know the language. And he only covers Prague, Czech Republic, Paris, and Austria. 

After a few days in Prague my sister and I started our 10 days trip to Germany <3 And came back to Prague in between because we got stucked in Heidelberg. So we missed Cologne and Dresden :( 

One thing fun about trips is that its always unpredictable. Teehee. 

To be continued. 

I lied to get a day off. We call that casual leave.

As an intern we are entitled 1(ONE) day of casual leave per month (and that includes Sundays okay), not to say too hectic, but sometimes you just get tired of your routine and decided to laze around the house when your schedule allows you to take a break.

So I applied for a day off on an ordinary Wednesday without even stating the reason. Anyway I dont understand why you have to give a reason since the name itself is casual leave. CASUAL. which means I can take it casually without explaining to anyone right?

HOD: Give me a reason why you want a CL.
Me: Erm, no, just like that.
HOD: You want to take a CL because everyone else is taking too?
Me: No, my friend is coming from another state and I wanna bring her around.
HOD: Okay go, come back on Thurs.

I lied lalalalala~ Theres no such friend and there is no such plan.

_________________________________________________________________________________

Anyway congratulations to a friend who just got engaged and another friend who finally got his PR in Aussie. Yay to my free accomodation when I visit next.

_________________________________________________________________________________

This year is a mentally retarding year because I hardly use my brain. But I forced myself to read two textbooks in Med posting and am moving on to the third one. I need to keep updating myself because the world is moving and I am not. That feeling sucks.

Keep asking myself what I have achieved in 2014 and what I want to achieve next. But pathetically its so blurred. I cant foresee whats happening next, and it scares me.

Things that I have to accomplish before this chapter of my life ends:

Volunteering work in Calcutta
Andamans
North East India for Christmas
Europe again but this time is Italy
Start reading financial magazines
Save money for the above plans


Who on earth doesnt want a life like ladyironchef? Yea I cant be like her travelling around having yum food and still earning, but at least I can try to make my life a little bit closer to her level right. Teehee.

Positive thinking makes a girl more attractive. I believe so. 

我又回来了。

今天是在家的第三天。三天就这样过去了，时间溜得好恐怖。

在印度拼命奔波变瘦，然后回来用仅有的时间去吃喝玩乐，然后再回到没人想回去的地方。这是一个圆圈，我兜了五年。感觉有点累了，回家竟然会累，真可笑。

回家竟然还会思考人生，something is seriously wrong with me. 

回家竟然还会想起医院，是疯了吗？

每次回来从第一天妈妈就会说要买什么什么回去，然后我就会说：才刚回来又要准备走了吗？

还有我最近很喜欢懒散的生活，还有放空，还有发呆。

确保自己的脑细胞action potential = 0, 是件快乐的事。

疯完了，吃火锅去！ 

Stay tuned.

I am supposed to blog about my Euro trip 3months ago, and of course life in obgyn. I have so much to talk about these two things, but blogger is so not user friendly that I find it difficult to use somehow.  And I don't want to abandon this blog as I have used it for 7 years by now. My first post was on KEPUTUSAN BIASISWA JPA on 23/05/2007 lol? This blog was initially meant to accompany me throughout the medical life as a student and everything I encountered. So yea no dumping my dearest blogspot until it dumps me.

And if you are alert enough you must have found another difference. Tada! Playlist updated. For your info theres a small tune symbol on the rightest side of the music bar so yea please click and select what you want to listen to. Those are like my favorites as of 11052014. If nothing suits you then on the leftest side there is a pause button thank you :p

I combined three pictures to make this piece of artwork. All three are unedited pics I clicked in three different cities namely Prague, Heidelberg and Paris. (This is like a teaser of the travel journal I am gonna post later)

Stay tuned dearests.